a check in

hello sweet people.
about 2 weeks away from surgery now. i have a mixed feeling of - hurry up already and then - please let's not do surgery.

i have been very busy for the last week or so with many tests. 3 more brain mri's, another eeg, and donating blood for myself. i also may have had another seizure although they aren't positive if it was one. i woke up with numbness again in my left leg and right hand. they brought up my medication, keppra, in case it was. that keppra has me wiped out. some days it is hard to stand up and walk. other days you would never know other than a slight foggy sensation in my head.

so far all of what they are learning from these tests is that nothing has changed (thank G-d), and it is exactly what they thought it was. the most relief i had lately were the results of a functional brain mri. i had to wear goggles and look at words and images for maybe an hour + half in an mri tube. this was not good. i found the goggles to ruin any sense of peace i had in the other mri machines. i guess i need the ability to see out to not feel claustrophobic. it took every bit of determination i had in me to not move and let the panic take over. also the idea of starting over from the beginning motivated me to keep still.

the result from this test means i will not be awake during surgery because my avm is not dangerously close to any part of my thinking brain. that calms me as much as any info possibly could.

i do want to pass on two bits of info that i didn't realize before. one is that it's important to have great health insurance coverage. if it is not a full covered plan then it cannot get better after something happens. i am so grateful that i had good health coverage through an hmo with blue cross. so far i have landed in the best care and it will mostly all be paid for. i was told if i didn't have this coverage i never would be able to upgrade.

the other info i want to share is how my memory was getting worse and my mind was playing a few tricks on me. who would ever know to go to the doctor after having auditory hallucinations? i didn't know. i thought i was stressed or having some psychic experience, or confusing information i would someday comprehend, or that i was just going a little nuts. this is not easy to explain but the quick version is that starting in february (pre baseball season) i started to hear lines from a movie that i've heard too many times. i had it memorized and it would replay in the voices that i was listening to. it was often around baseball. the announcers would start saying these words that i knew from my past but could not identify exactly. i knew what they were about to say and they would then say it. strange beyond words, frightening and i really assumed it was something i would never understand. i knew i was imagining because i'd go back to that baseball game on my tivo and those words were not there. this happened with the same set of lines maybe 8 times in the passed 6 months. i now know that these are most likely seizures. i have not had them since being on this anti seizure medication.
i figure this is good for people to know. i never would of thought of going to the doctor because of this. i assume i felt embarrassed. i don't feel that way now because they stem from this avm and they fit into this puzzle that will now save my life. the blessing for me was that i used my hmo plan and went to the doctor when i did have a question.

good positive thoughts now as we continue to surrender to this unknown life saving process called a craniotomy.
thank you for being with me now,
andrea